You might be a Utah Jazz fan if …

There are worse things in life than being a Utah Jazz fan. Still, if you’re fearful your following of the team will lead to full-blown fandom, there’s a way to know.

Do you remember when the “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” was a mainstay of Comedy Central?

If you don’t or have voluntarily chosen to block that part of television history from your brain, the show consisted of Jeff Foxworthy and a few of his comedian buddies cracking jokes about life as a redneck. Most of his friends’ names might not ring a bell, but if you’re familiar with the refined comedic tastes of Larry the Cable Guy, he was one of the show’s more popular peeps.

For six seasons, from 2000 to 2006, while shouts of “Git-R-Done!” took about five minutes to grow old, one of the show’s more popular segments was a constant hit with viewers: “You Might Be a Redneck.” Rapid-fire, the guys would sit in a row on stage and deliver relatable, one-liner jokes about the quirky things rednecks supposedly did (and do) as part of their everyday lives.

The format for these jokes was always the same:

“If” + [Engaging, Relatable Punchline] + “You Might Be a Redneck” = Hootin’ and Hollerin’

I grew up in Oklahoma — some of ‘em were actually pretty (accurate) funny:

With the hooping apocalypse well upon us, I’ve taken it upon myself to try and get a bit more creative with my coverage of the Utah Jazz. Naturally, inspired by a sense of humor my teenage self once possessed, I got to thinking about how Jazz fans might have fun connecting with each other through the same joke-telling format first made popular by the Blue Collar boys.

So, I fired off a quick tweet with a request for ideas, and #TakeNote Nation came through in the clutch. While I’ve taken some liberties with the ideas provided by Utah Jazz fans and sprinkled in a few original wisecracks of my own, the bulk of the below items came from readers like you.

Anyway, without further ado, have at ‘em, folks:

Jazz fans enjoy a unique culture

* If Baby Yoda is or ever has been your Twitter avi …
* If you’ve quoted Thurl Bailey from the pulpit on a Sunday …
* If you feel short shorts aren’t immodest out on the hardwood …
* If you sync David Locke’s radio call of Jazz games with your TV …
* If you’re caucasian, rock a side-part and always tuck in your shirt …

You might be a Jazz fan.

* If you’d sacrifice a quarter of live Jazz hoops for Farr’s ice cream …
* If no matter the outcome of a game, you crave a Mudslide Cookie …
* If you think the national media is consciously out to get your team …
* If you cheer louder for free Chick-fil-A than you do the home team …
* If you know somebody who knows somebody who knows this lady …

You might be a Jazz fan.

Jazz fans never forget their heroes

* If you find comfort in Alex Jensen’s beard …
* If Greg Ostertag is your favorite hockey player …
* If you know someone with a kid named Stockton …
* If you find Quin Snyder even remotely handsome …
* If the name Sundiata Gaines means anything to you …
* If you frown on profanity, but think Jerry Sloan is a saint …

You might be a Jazz fan.

https://twitter.com/snark_tank/status/850099195352567808?s=20

* If you still think Dante Exum has any real basketball talent …
* If the term “horny” has zero sexual connotation in your mind …
* If you shout, “Stockton to Malone,” while others yell, “Kobe” …
* If you not only “jumped with John,” but know what that means …
* If you think there’s a spot for Jimmer Fredette on the Jazz’s roster …
* If you rub your cheek three times before church league free throws …

You might be a Jazz fan.

Jazz fans never let go of a good grudge

* If your name isn’t Shane Keisel …
* If you spend hours analyzing fouls against James Harden …
* If you wish Gordan Hayward’s leg well, but firmly believe in karma …
* If you know Michael Jordan pushed off on Bryon Russell in Game 6 …

You might be a Jazz fan.

And finally, a few of my personal favorites …

* If you know what Andrei Kirilenko’s “free pass” is …
* If you’ve unfollowed or blocked Woj in the past three weeks …
* If you want a polygraph hooked up to Derek Fisher’s nipples …
* If you’ll defend the value of screen assists until your final breath …

You might be a Jazz fan.

That wasn’t so bad, was it?

If you’re anything like me, you’re a Jazz fan — and you’re proud of it.

While others have taken to LeBron’s coattails, you’ve chosen to embrace the idiosyncrasies, disprove the stereotypes and even managed to co-exist on Twitter with Phoenix Suns fans.

And though the Utah Jazz team we’ve come to know and love has yet to bring an NBA title back to the Salt Lake Valley, it’s only a matter of time — hang tough; our time is fast approaching …

I think.