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Every NBA Team’s Star Wars Counterpart

By Gerald Bourguet

TOP IMAGE: Jan 25, 2015; Cleveland, OH, USA; Oklahoma City Thunder forward Kevin Durant (35) defends Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) in the second quarter at Quicken Loans Arena. Mandatory Credit: David Richard-USA TODAY Sports BOTTOM IMAGE: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader, Photo Credit: Disney
TOP IMAGE: Jan 25, 2015; Cleveland, OH, USA; Oklahoma City Thunder forward Kevin Durant (35) defends Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) in the second quarter at Quicken Loans Arena. Mandatory Credit: David Richard-USA TODAY Sports BOTTOM IMAGE: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader, Photo Credit: Disney /
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TOP IMAGE: Dec 9, 2015; Minneapolis, MN, USA; Los Angeles Lakers forward Kobe Bryant (24) looks on during the national anthem before a game against the Minnesota Timberwolves at Target Center. Mandatory Credit: Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports BOTTOM IMAGE: Darth Maul, Photo Credit: Disney /

Los Angeles Lakers: Darth Maul

Had I indulged my inner nerd a few years ago with this column, the Los Angeles Lakers would easily have been Darth Vader or the Emperor. They’ve been a necessary NBA evil for years now, the counterbalance in the Force to the Boston Celtics (and pretty much everything good in this world in general).

But given the current state of the franchise, I had to downgrade the Lakers from Darth Vader status to Darth Maul, another one of the few things the prequels got right. Fair or not, the Lakers are the “bad guys” of the NBA, even if their power has been something to behold.

So why Darth Maul? Well, for one thing, the “Phantom Menace” has a stellar reputation as one of the coolest villains in the Star Wars franchise despite how underwhelming the prequels were…much like the Lakers continue to be popular despite the overwhelming evidence that they’re a shitty basketball team.

The Lakers have some nice young pieces, but let’s be honest: it’ll be a long time before this team is good again. Yet Lakers fans — bad and good alike — are as present and relevant as ever, making this team a real life phantom menace.

Currently, Darth Maul is just chilling at the bottom of some 3,000-foot shaft in the galaxy’s most pointless circular room, chopped into two pieces — a feeling the Lakers can probably relate to these days. But just like Darth Maul will live on in the hearts of Star Wars fans forever, so too will the Lakers never really die.

Next: Memphis Grizzlies