- Atlanta Hawks – Got rid of Joe Johnson’s contract so we can watch Lou Williams throw up ill-advised shots for much less!
- Boston Celtics – Lost the member of the Big Three that was best at hitting the Big 3.
- Brooklyn Nets – Built an All-Star starting five surrounded by D-League talents.
- Charlotte Bobcats – Won the lottery but not the right one by winning Brendan Haywood amnesty claim.
- Chicago Bulls – Replaced bench mob with new bench mob to hide intent to tank season.
- Cleveland Cavaliers – Wait, we missed on Bradley Beal and got Dion Waiters and we’re supposed to be excited?
- Dallas Mavericks – Doing just enough to keep you interested but not enough to win a championship.
- Denver Nuggets – All of the wrongly-accused child pornographers are now off the team so please stop talking about it.
- Detroit Pistons – Andre Drummond arrives to complement Greg Monroe so it will be great in like 3 years!
- Golden State Warriors – Quality big men and shooters bring excitement to the bay for the tenth time in the last fifteen years.
- Houston Rockets – Lots of people were going to give Omer Asik and Jeremy Lin $15 million in their last year but we were the first to sign it!
- Indiana Pacers – Great team play with no superstars has all the 12,000 fans per night moderately excited.
- Los Angeles Clippers – If we let Blake Griffin dunk from the free-throw line instead would his percentages rise?
- Los Angeles Lakers – Bought a gorgeous luxury car (Steve Nash) that doesn’t operate in reverse (no defense).
- Memphis Grizzlies – Forget about the last two times we said it, THIS is the year we do it!
- Miami Heat – Talent without confidence makes losers but they have the swagger of champions now and back-to-back is realistic.
- Milwaukee Bucks – Where we overpay for a guy who had one good year (Ersan Ilyasova) because we can!
- Minnesota Timberwolves – Knee ligaments are overrated, just like Darko Milicic’s skill was underrated.
- New Orleans Hornets – Put a ton of pressure on Anthony Davis but signed a bunch of shooters for him to defer to when he panics.
- New York Knicks – Getting much older and letting the most exciting player on the team go has to be a major disappointment.
- Oklahoma City Thunder – If Perry Jones III and Hasheem Thabeet average 10 points, 8 rebounds and 3 blocks between them, it’s a finals win.
- Orlando Magic – Get your season tickets to see Dwigh, er, Ryan, er, who the hell is on the team again?
- Philadelphia 76ers – Took a step backwards in order to take greater steps in the future with more youth and athleticism.
- Phoenix Suns – Will be really fun to watch Flopapalooza starring Luis Scola nightly in the desert!
- Portland Trail Blazers – By grossly overpaying for Nicolas Batum, Blazers can no longer afford to surround LaMarcus Aldridge with enough talent to compete.
- Sacramento Kings – Thomas Robinson will fit nicely as the defensive big next to DeMarcus Cousins as the offensive beast.
- San Antonio Spurs – Patty Mills is tearing through the Olympics and Danny Green is ready to bust out this year.
- Toronto Raptors – Where we find a way to put together a competitive squad and still end up with 30 wins.
- Utah Jazz – Our two best bigs (Al Jefferson and Paul Millsap) are in their contract years and we expect 40 points and 25 rebounds nightly.
- Washington Wizards – Our best defense is running it down your throat at 200 mph, courtesy of John Wall.
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