Hello fellow Star Wars nerds and NBA fanatics! Today is a great day for professional basketball fans, with 12 games on the NBA slate for tonight, but it’s also a great day for the entire United States of America with Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens now open in theaters.
In honor of such a momentous day, we’re going to take a break from more serious basketball analysis to provide you with something that will get you in the right mindset for the latest entry in the Star Wars saga. Today, we’ll be comparing each and every team in the NBA to the character that most closely resembles their Star Wars counterpart.
Full disclosure: This is the nerdiest thing I have ever done. Another full disclosure: I’m not sure I’ve ever been prouder of myself. For those of you who don’t like Star Wars, feel free to skim. But for those of you NBA followers who also know every detail of the Star Wars universe like I do, this is the piece for you!
A few ground rules before we begin:
- This list only includes characters from the films. While I love the Expanded Universe and cartoon TV shows as much as anyone, we’d be here all day otherwise.
- Since I have not seen Episode VII yet, I also avoided using characters from the latest entry. This allows us to avoid spoilers from The Force Awakens, plus if I had seen it yesterday, I wouldn’t have been able to write this piece in the first place because I’d still probably be waiting in line.
- We’ll be trying to keep each team’s identity to its current iteration. There will be a few notable exceptions, but these comparisons will mostly revolve around the current state of the team rather than the franchise’s history as a whole.
- I swear, I don’t hate your team and even if I did, I’d hate every team equally. So if a comparison offends you, take a deep breath, remember that you’re reading an article comparing NBA teams and Star Wars characters, and I promise you’ll feel better.
Let’s begin:
A long time ago, in an NBA galaxy far, far away….
Next: Atlanta Hawks
Atlanta Hawks: R2-D2
About a year ago, the Atlanta Hawks were an underrated, necessary part of the NBA playoff picture. They won 60 games and made it to the Eastern Conference Finals before bowing out to a more important character in the grand scheme of things. Sounds just like everyone’s favorite astro droid, right?
Over the last few years, the Hawks have established themselves as a sort of “ol’ reliable” team in the Eastern Conference playoff picture. They’re not good enough to carry the plot by themselves, but nobody minds their presence and they bring joy to the screen every now and then, just like the delightful R2-D2.
However, with the loss of DeMarre Carroll, Atlanta has taken a backseat this year, much like R2-D2 seems to be taking a backseat to the new and ultra-popular B-88. Atlanta is still capable of reminding people why they fell in love with them in the first place, but that fan support just isn’t in full effect like it once was.
Next: Boston Celtics
Boston Celtics: Luke Skywalker
Maybe this one’s a bit obvious since Luke Skywalker’s green lightsaber became an icon and the Boston Celtics‘ trademark color is green, but there’s more to it than just that.
For one thing, Luke Skywalker inadvertently brought balance to the Force. (Yeah, yeah, yeah, technically it was Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker who brought balance to the Force when he threw the Emperor over the railing, but if Luke hadn’t been getting his happy ass electrocuted to death, that never would’ve happened so indulge me for second.)
Just like Luke Skywalker helped restore balance, so too did the Celtics challenge the Los Angeles Lakers’ imperialistic reign in the 1980s and late 2000s. Celtics-Lakers was considered a clash of good vs. evil, Jedi Knights who became folk legend in Boston vs. Sith Lords who ruled the NBA galaxy with an iron fist out in Los Angeles, which is considered to be the center of the universe by the inhabitants of the Empire.
In any case, it’s not just the Celtics teams of old that match up well with this classic Star Wars character; Brad Stevens might as well be the NBA’s Luke Skywalker look-alike, especially as a former college coach who proved himself despite his “humble” beginnings (as Luke did) to rapidly became one of the most formidable, good presences the NBA has to offer.
Say it with me Celtics fans: He’s Brad Stevens, he’s here to rescue you.
With the Celtics looking better than ever despite not having a star player, they seem about as ready for an awakening in the Force as Luke Skywalker himself.
Next: Brooklyn Nets
Brooklyn Nets: C-3PO
Think about C-3PO for a second. Aside from the silly banter with R2-D2, the constant complaining and the unrelenting paranoia he shares with everyone, what is he really most known for? That’s right, collapsing in a scrap heap and the wacky misadventures that never really lead anywhere. Suddenly the Brooklyn Nets comparison makes a whole lot of sense.
Back in 2013, the Nets went on an entertaining but ultimately ill-fated misadventure, trading for Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Jason Terry to try and assemble a contender. Instead, they wound up in broken parts after just one Eastern Conference semifinals appearance, and they’ve been paying for it (literally and figuratively) ever since.
Back to C-3PO.
Remember when Luke got jumped by the Tusken Raiders in Episode IV and somehow it was C-3PO who wound up with his arm out of his socket? Or how about in Episode V when he wandered off and again got reduced to rubble?
Instead of investing in the draft, the Nets wandered off the beaten path just like 3PO and traded all their future draft picks away. Now they’re a scrap heap that’s only entertaining to watch for comedic purposes.
Even without mentioning the whole droid factory fiasco in Episode II, suffice it to say that the Nets have become a bit of a running joke because they can’t put anything whole together. Maybe by the release date of Star Wars: Episode 17 they’ll have a draft pick again.
Next: Charlotte Hornets
Charlotte Hornets: Lando Calrissian
The character of Lando Calrissian is really divided into two different personas: the slimy, backstabbing Lando who tricked Han Solo and turned him over to Darth Vader, and the suave, redemptive Lando who helped Leia escape, eventually helped rescue Han and totally made up for his prior mistakes by leading an attack on the second Death Star.
As a franchise, the Charlotte Hornets‘ recent history is divided into two, similarly contradictory chapters: the Charlotte Bobcats era that fans would rather just forget about, and the new Charlotte Hornets era that mirrors Lando’s return to the values that were embedded deep down from the beginning.
Like Lando, the Hornets are redeeming themselves from their darker days of not so long ago, sporting a top-10 offense, a top-10 defense and a 15-10 record — good for fifth in the East. Our introduction to this character may have been shady, but we’re liking what we’re seeing now.
Next: Chicago Bulls
Chicago Bulls: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Obi-Wan Kenobi is not the most important character in the Star Wars universe, but he’s easily one of the most iconic and influential. The Chicago Bulls can’t match the Lakers or Celtics in championships, but the Michael Jordan era was one of the NBA’s most important dynasties, and what is Obi-Wan Kenobi if not the MJ of the Jedi Knight Order?
Okay, maybe Yoda would qualify since he’s the GOAT, but still, the Bulls earn the Obi-Wan comparison because since MJ, they’ve almost always been likable or admirable. When Jordan was in town, they were immensely likable. When Derrick Rose was in his prime and healthy, same thing: they were the good guys trying to fight LeBron James and the Miami Heat’s “evil” reign.
Even with D-Rose doing his best now to try and ruin that, the Bulls have enjoyable stars like Jimmy Butler to work with. They died the same sort of death as Obi-Wan when Jordan left, but it didn’t take long for them to come back as popular as ever:
Next: Cleveland Cavaliers
Cleveland Cavaliers: Darth Vader
Whatever team LeBron James plays on, that team becomes the NBA’s Darth Vader. For years he’s ruled over the league with an iron fist, with his teams going to five straight NBA Finals. His skills are incomparable, he seems to be playing with magic powers that no one else has and he strikes fear in the heart of his opponents.
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But it’s not just LeBron being the most formidable force in the NBA galaxy that makes the Cleveland Cavaliers the Darth Vader of the NBA. If you recall, Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls were the NBA’s Obi-Wan Kenobi — the Jedi that trained Darth Vader back when he was still Anakin Skywalker. And what was Jordan if not the GOAT who served as the precursor to LeBron?
No matter who you believe was the better Jedi/NBA player between the two, the comparison works. And despite the fact that LeBron’s powers have been interpreted as evil that needed to be destroyed, Vader was also a global ambassador that helped put Star Wars on the map in a similar way that LeBron has for the NBA.
As one of the most iconic villains the world has ever seen, it’s worth remembering that Vader also wound up being good after all. Vilify LeBron James and his Cavaliers if you must, but you’ll miss him when he’s gone.
Next: Dallas Mavericks
Dallas Mavericks: Qui-Gon Jinn
When we meet Qui-Gon Jinn at the start of Episode I, he’s a Jedi Master and veteran warrior who knows a thing or two about the Force. The Dallas Mavericks are a bit seasoned as well, but they’re still perfectly capable of kicking some ass.
Until Dirk Nowitzki’s career gets a double-bladed lightsaber to the gut like good ol’ Qui-Gon, the Mavs will continue to fit that description.
For years now, the Mavericks have been a consistent presence in the Western Conference playoff picture. They’ve been in the playoffs in 14 of the last 15 seasons, and the only year they weren’t, they missed out with a 41-41 record because Dirk was banged up.
They’ve become a steady, almost soothing presence in the playoffs — you know, kind of like how Liam Neeson was one of the few good things to come out of Star Wars prequels. Soon, Nowitzki will be too old to continue on at this pace and Dallas will be bested by younger, hungrier teams. This Qui-Gon Jinn team won’t be this good forever, so enjoy them before they meet their inevitable fate.
Next: Denver Nuggets
Denver Nuggets: Captain Typho
Probably our most obscure reference on the list, but I promise this will all make sense. In Episode I, Queen Amidala was protected by a guy named Captain Panaka. He was a no-nonsense, loyal bodyguard who seemed to genuinely care about the woman he was protecting. He was a bit brash objecting to the Jedi’s suggestions, but he did his job well and even bore a resemblance to Denzel Washington.
Sounds like a good dude right? Okay, so then why in Episodes II and III did they feel the need to replace him with this Captain Typho guy? No offense to Jay Laga’aia, who portrayed Typho in the films, but was a new one-eyed captain overhaul truly necessary?
This relates well to the Denver Nuggets, because I’m still trying to figure out the rationalization behind some of their decisions. Going from George Karl to Brian Shaw was a massive step backward. Re-signing Danilo Gallinari and Wilson Chandler made for happy summer deals, but what’s the end game here? Are they tanking or are they trying to make the playoffs?
With the West taking such a drastic step backward this year, the Nuggets are far closer to the playoffs than they are to a top-five pick. But isn’t that where they should be aiming as they try to build a future around Emmanuel Mudiay? Like the one-eyed Typho, I’m only seeing half the reasoning behind where the Nuggets are going with this rebuild.
Next: Detroit Pistons
Detroit Pistons: Chewbacca
The Detroit Pistons have long been a divisive team, dating back to their successful Bad Boys days and extending through their most recent run to five straight Eastern Conference Finals. Some people liked them for their attitude and hard-nosed defense, while others simply couldn’t identify with them.
Like the Pistons, Chewbacca is something of a barometer for people to determine whether or not they “get” Star Wars. For most Star Wars fanatics, Chewie is a lovable character with an iconic roar that’s fun to watch people fail to properly impersonate. For those who don’t really enjoy the sci-fi genre, that big Wookie is an oversized bear that walks on two legs and just makes no sense.
Some people get him, some don’t. Personally, I love Chewbacca and his non-sensical roars, just like I loved what the Bad Boys meant for the game of basketball and how these new-fangled Pistons are thriving with Andre Drummond in the middle, flanked by four shooters.
The Pistons aren’t for everyone, but for those who identify with their peculiar brand of basketball, they’re as lovable as Star Wars fans’ favorite “walking carpet.”
Next: Golden State Warriors
Golden State Warriors: Yoda
Before last season, it had been 40 years since the Golden State Warriors had won a championship. After the fall of the Jedi, nobody heard from Yoda for a few decades. The Warriors and this tiniest Master Jedi were both hermits in their own respective ways, but one thing is for certain: they’re quite possibly the greatest we’ve ever seen.
Though Yoda is small and unassuming in nature, just like Draymond Green and the small-ball Warriors lineups, he packs quite a punch. As bad as the prequel trilogy was, at least Star Wars fans got to see Yoda kick ass in ways that no Jedi had ever done on the screen. Every time Yoda used his lightsaber, it was befitting of a Star Wars highlight montage.
Likewise, watching the Warriors play basketball basically amounts to observing a little piece of NBA history every single time they take the floor. If they repeat as champions, they will go down in NBA history as quite possibly the greatest team ever assembled, much like Yoda is the epitome of Jedi mastery.
Finally, there’s something to be said of their respective wisdom. Yoda was perfectly capable of kicking some ass when it came to utilizing his speed and athleticism, but he was mostly known for his sage wisdom. In terms of their extensive knowledge of the game and high basketball IQs, the Warriors are about as close to “wise” as you can get in sports.
Next: Houston Rockets
Houston Rockets: Count Dooku
Given that the Houston Rockets are despised by most NBA fans, we clearly had to pick someone from the Dark Side of the Force. Trust me though, this comparison to Count Dooku extends beyond a mutual love of facial hair with James Harden.
Once, Count Dooku was a revered Jedi Knight with an affinity for the Force. But he defected to the Dark Side and in the process, became probably the lamest Sith Lord of the entire Star Wars saga. Like, we went from the likes of badasses Darth Vader and Darth Maul to a 65-year-old dude with a crooked lightsaber hilt that Anakin decapitated about 20 minutes into Episode III?
Come on.
This isn’t Christopher Lee’s fault of course (may he rest in peace); he did the best with what he was given. But man, what an abrupt and anticlimactic way for his character to go.
The Rockets are the Count Dookus of the NBA: an easy-to-identify villain, but a lame one that’s currently unworthy of all the derision or hype.
Between Harden, Dwight Howard and the Rockets’ general yin to the darling Warriors’ yang, Houston is hard to endorse in trying to find redeeming character flaws, but what’s even worse is that at 13-14, they’re not even cool villains anymore.
Next: Indiana Pacers
Indiana Pacers: Boba Fett
Boba Fett is a bonafide badass. He became one of the most feared bounty hunters in the galaxy and despite losing his bounty hunter daddy at a young age, he didn’t let that tragedy destroy him; it molded him into the dangerous warrior he would become.
The Indiana Pacers can relate to that, especially after watching Danny Granger struggle with injury and ultimately be traded away in the ill-fated Evan Turner trade. Granger was the Jango Fett to Paul George‘s Boba Fett, with the latter growing into a more than worthy successor.
Even better, during the Miami Heat’s Big Three era, the Pacers were virtually the only team in the East capable of placing a bounty on the their heads. Indiana never cashed in on that high-priced target, and eventually met a grizzly end at Miami’s hands much like Boba Fett was bested by a blind Han Solo, but rumor has it that Boba — and the Pacers — aren’t dead yet.
Next: Los Angeles Clippers
Los Angeles Clippers: Jango Fett
Okay, so I know I just compared Danny Granger to Jango Fett, but work with me here, there are only so many major characters in Star Wars canon to choose from. As a Western Conference contender over the last few years, the Los Angeles Clippers certainly deserved the respect of being compared to a cool character, at least.
That being said, it was obvious that like the Rockets, the Clippers definitely needed to be villains. Their constant whining, flopping and off-court smack talk has easily made them one of the least likable teams in the NBA, even if Blake Griffin and their offense is quite fun to watch. So why Jango Fett?
Well, the father of Boba had built quite a reputation as one of the more feared bounty hunters in the galaxy, but his time in the spotlight was short-lived. Despite a couple of entertaining fight scenes in Episode II, Jango lasted for exactly three quarters of a movie before GETTING HIS F**KING HEAD CHOPPED OFF.
It feels like the Clippers are approaching the end of their title window before they meet the proverbial hilt of Mace Windu’s purple lightsaber as well. The Clippers do some pretty cool things, but do they have the substance to actually break through and do something special? Or will we look back on their demise and say, “Damn, that was over fast”?
Next: Los Angeles Lakers
Los Angeles Lakers: Darth Maul
Had I indulged my inner nerd a few years ago with this column, the Los Angeles Lakers would easily have been Darth Vader or the Emperor. They’ve been a necessary NBA evil for years now, the counterbalance in the Force to the Boston Celtics (and pretty much everything good in this world in general).
But given the current state of the franchise, I had to downgrade the Lakers from Darth Vader status to Darth Maul, another one of the few things the prequels got right. Fair or not, the Lakers are the “bad guys” of the NBA, even if their power has been something to behold.
So why Darth Maul? Well, for one thing, the “Phantom Menace” has a stellar reputation as one of the coolest villains in the Star Wars franchise despite how underwhelming the prequels were…much like the Lakers continue to be popular despite the overwhelming evidence that they’re a shitty basketball team.
The Lakers have some nice young pieces, but let’s be honest: it’ll be a long time before this team is good again. Yet Lakers fans — bad and good alike — are as present and relevant as ever, making this team a real life phantom menace.
Currently, Darth Maul is just chilling at the bottom of some 3,000-foot shaft in the galaxy’s most pointless circular room, chopped into two pieces — a feeling the Lakers can probably relate to these days. But just like Darth Maul will live on in the hearts of Star Wars fans forever, so too will the Lakers never really die.
Next: Memphis Grizzlies
Memphis Grizzlies: The Death Star
If you’re a Star Wars fan, odds are you’ve seen the Family Guy Star Wars spoofs as well. But even if you haven’t seen the comical scene that points out a pretty glaring flaw in the Death Star, it’s worth remembering that all it took to take down the most powerful weapon in the galaxy was a pair of proton torpedoes fired into some random ventilation shaft.
The Memphis Grizzlies have been a powerful team for years now, capable of destroying opponents with their patented grit-n-grind that’s as equally horrifying to behold as the destruction of an entire planet. But damn it if their fatal flaw of poor perimeter shooting isn’t the cause of their demise year after year.
Unlike the Empire, the Grizzlies have tried to address this issue time and time again. While the Empire was content to build a second Death Star with yet another shaft that led directly to the base’s core where the Rebels could blow it up, Memphis traded for guys like Courtney Lee, Jeff Green and Matt Barnes to try and improve this problem area, but to no avail.
It’s starting to look like the grit-n-grind era is coming to an end with the benching of Zach Randolph and Tony Allen, and with the Grizzlies sporting the third-worst three-point shooting percentage this year (31.8 percent), the Empire has once again left a shaft open in their battle station that will eventually be exploited.
Next: Miami Heat
Miami Heat: Han Solo
Remember how the Indiana Pacers were Boba Fett? It’s probably fitting, then, that the Miami Heat‘s counterpart — especially during the Big Three era — is Han Solo, the guy who blindly sent Fett to his demise. Even when the Heat were limping into the playoffs in 2014-15, much like Han couldn’t see five feet in front of him, Miami still emerged triumphant over the threat of a bounty hunter.
Similes aside, it’s also worth noting that with Pat Riley at the helm, these two share similar attitudes that basically equate to “Yeah, I’m the shit.” And to be fair, they’re right; the Heat have been to five NBA Finals in the last decade and have won three of them, while Han Solo is quite possibly the most beloved character in all of Star Wars lore.
They’re both consistently great at what they do, they’re both a little too cocky for some people and when Goran Dragic neglects his facial hair, he too can be a scruffy-looking nerf-herder.
But most of all, they’re both ultimately good entities at the end of the day, and even though the post-LeBron James Heat and the current grey-haired Han Solo have both seen better days, they’re as relevant as ever.
Next: Milwaukee Bucks
Milwaukee Bucks: Admiral Ackbar
If you know the name Admiral Ackbar, you already know where this is going. But if not, Admiral Ackbar is the alien from Episode VI with a head that looks like a squid who endeared himself forever to Star Wars nerds with his famous Captain Obvious declaration of “IT’S A TRAP!”
For those who were buying into the Milwaukee Bucks and their potential after a surprising one-year turnaround from worst record in the league to playoff team, it definitely feels like being lured into a trap.
Last season, Milwaukee lost in the first round, but they took the Bulls to six games before bowing out. They scored free agent Greg Monroe over the summer despite Monroe having more prestigious options to choose from, and with a young core of Giannis Antetokounmpo, Jabari Parker, Monroe, Khris Middleton and Michael Carter-Williams, the future was bright.
So far this season, Jason Kidd‘s squad has been a massive disappointment, sporting a 10-17 record. They snapped the Warriors’ win streak, sure, but then they went out and lost to the Lakers a few nights later! This team still has a bright future, but from Monroe tanking this team’s defense to MCW being unable to shoot to the Buck’s lowly record, the 2015-16 season has been a trap.
Next: Minnesota Timberwolves
Minnesota Timberwolves: Anakin Skywalker (Episode I Version)
We’ve mentioned a few things the Star Wars prequels got right, but one of the MAJOR decisions they botched was the casting of Anakin Skywalker in Episode I. No offense to child actor Jake Lloyd, but watching him was downright painful at times, even with the knowledge of the vitally important character he would become.
Likewise, the Minnesota Timberwolves are a young and promising team with the potential to rule the NBA galaxy one day. Between Andrew Wiggins and Karl-Anthony Towns, the Force is strong with this one. However, even though we know the ceiling for their potential, they’ve been hard to watch at times this season.
That’s to be expected of course, since young superstars have to take their licks and feel those growing pains in order to ascend the NBA hierarchy, but watching them come out flat and choke away a few fourth quarters hasn’t been a pleasant viewing experience. One day, however, these awkward childhood years will grow into something fearsome to behold.
Next: New Orleans Pelicans
New Orleans Pelicans: Princes Leia
The New Orleans Pelicans were a tough team to place. On the one hand, they’ve been absolutely abysmal this season with a 7-18 record, which is even more disappointing considering they just made the playoffs last year. On the other, they’ve got Anthony Davis, which automatically means the future is bright.
In that spirit, I’m going with Princess Leia, a feisty character that has as many hairstyles as the Pelicans have players that need to be traded.
I guess General Grievous might have worked here, since he and Anthony Davis sort of look like they’re half-cyborg. But with the Pelicans off to an unbelievably bad start and the Brow representing the only possible way they can climb out of this hole, I couldn’t resist the urge to modify Princess Leia’s iconic plea from Episode IV: “Help them Obi-Brow Kenobi. You’re their only hope.”
Next: New York Knicks
New York Knicks: Jabba The Hutt
This isn’t a “Melo is fat” joke, I swear.
I also promise I’m not trying to troll you, New York Knicks fans. Okay, maybe a little bit, but the comparison works better than you’d think.
Jabba the Hutt is the massive blob/mob gangster who holds the power in the irrelevant Outer Rim territories. The Knicks may be located in one of the central hubs of the United States, but after winning a couple of championships back in the 1970s, they’ve been just as irrelevant.
And yet, you wouldn’t know it with the way the Knicks continue to carry on as though New York is still the mecca of the basketball universe. Those delusions of grandeur have not been enough to hide the fact that this franchise has mostly been a fat, ugly hunk of crap.
To be fair, I’m one of Carmelo Anthony‘s biggest defenders and Kristaps Porzingis looks like the real deal that will provide the Knicks with a strong foundation for years to come. But the overly glorified prestige that comes with this organization is too similar to the smelly gluttonous alien ruling over the most unimportant part of the galaxy for us to ignore.
Next: Oklahoma City Thunder
Oklahoma City Thunder: Mace Windu
If Russell Westbrook were a Jedi, he’d be Mace Windu. No doubt about it. And if Russell Westbrook had a lightsaber, I’d bet my life savings that it’d be purple. Why wouldn’t it be? Everyone else is walking around with blue and green sabers, but if Russ could be the only dude sporting that purple blade, you can be guaranteed he and his fashion sense would be all over that.
But the comparisons don’t stop there, since Windu, Westbrook and the Oklahoma City Thunder in general play with a sort of unwarranted anger to harness the might of their powers. They’re the good guys, but they’ve got a bit of a snarl on their face when they go into battle.
Like, so much so that they’d be the type of dudes to chop a grown man’s head off IN FRONT OF HIS OWN SON, stare down at it, and then look up at the crowd like, “Yeah, that just happened. He’s dead. I did that shit. WHAT?”
Also like Mace Windu, the Thunder have always been second in command. They lost the 2012 NBA Finals to LeBron’s Heat and haven’t been back since, despite the fact that they’ve always been one of the best teams in the West with a healthy Westbrook and Kevin Durant.
There’s also a pretty damn funny pun here between all the thunder and lightning. But much like our poor, dismembered friend Mace Windu, injury problems and loss of limb have prevented the Thunder from fulfilling their destiny.
The Thunder’s title window isn’t closed, nor will the window close as fast as Mace Windu was thrown out of it, but between their strength, confidence, verve for the game and lethal attack mentality, OKC is pretty much the coolest Jedi Master in the NBA universe. And what are Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant if not the Samuel L. Jacksons of the NBA?
Next: Orlando Magic
Orlando Magic: General Grievous
The Orlando Magic look like they’re turning a corner for the first time in the post-Dwight Howard era. But with Orlando sporting about 17 wings on the roster, Victor Oladipo being moved to the bench and so many young players needing minutes, the Magic have as many questions to answer has General Grievous has arms.
Speaking of the half-robot, half-human, half-mistake of a general, Grievous is also extremely similar to the Magic because I don’t really know what the hell they are. Orlando’s best player is coming off the bench and it works? Grievous is a robot but somehow he has whooping cough? I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT’S HAPPENING.
The Magic are currently 14-11, good enough for the seventh spot in the Eastern Conference playoff picture, but they could wind up still being a year away. Like Orlando, Grievous had a lot of potential as a character, but the kind of extra development time the Magic are getting probably would have benefitted this flop of a general.
Next: Philadelphia 76ers
Philadelphia 76ers: Jar Jar Binks
No one is surprised by this, right? Jar Jar Binks is easily the worst thing to happen to the Star Wars saga and the Philadelphia 76ers‘ ultra-tanking strategy is the worst thing to happen to professional basketball since cocaine in the 1980s and the Tim Donaghy scandal.
Don’t get me wrong: In theory, rebuilding through the draft makes sense, especially since there aren’t enough countermeasures to prevent teams from deconstructing their rosters to set themselves up for higher picks. But in theory, having a source of comic relief for a family movie also makes sense, until that character turns out to be a mentally handicapped alien with a speech impediment that brings literally NOTHING to the table.
Jar Jar Binks is a mistake George Lucas will never be able to take back, while the Sixers have realized how bad things have gotten and are bringing in Jerry Colangelo to do damage control. Jar Jar Binks and the Sixers are both gigantic jokes…except nobody’s laughing.
Next: Phoenix Suns
Phoenix Suns: Tatooine
Don’t roll your eyes! It’s not JUST because Phoenix and Tatooine are desolate deserts where it feels like there are two suns beating down on you at once. For the Phoenix Suns, being compared to this dry Star Wars planet makes too much sense with the way this franchise has been wandering in the desert since Steve Nash left.
The Suns are going on six years without making a playoff appearance, and every time it seems like this 2015-16 squad is about to put it together, it proves to be nothing more than a mirage. Anakin Skywalker was the only memorable thing to ever come from Tatooine and over the last two decades, it’s starting to feel like there’s a similar vibe going on with Nash and the city of Phoenix.
While I won’t go as far as calling the Suns franchise a desolate wasteland where nothing good can grow, I will say that the people of Phoenix are getting tired of the ongoing drought. The longer it lasts, the closer the good people in the Valley will get to resembling a bunch of pissed off Tusken Raiders, which, as Hayden Christensen so emphatically describes, “THEY’RE LIKE ANIMALS!”
Next: Portland Trail Blazers
Portland Trail Blazers: Padme Amidala
The 2014-15 Portland Trail Blazers were a damn good team. They had two legitimate superstars in LaMarcus Aldridge and Damian Lillard, underrated two-way players in Wesley Matthews and Nicolas Batum, and a solid defensive center to hold it all together. They had a good run, they tried their hardest, but now they’re dead.
Sounds pretty much dead-on with Padme Amidala, right? She tried to protect her home planet of Naboo when she was a queen in Episode I, she tried to prevent war as a senator in Episode II, and she tried to raise a forbidden child in the middle of her hubby’s descent to the Dark Side.
Naboo may have been saved, but she couldn’t stop the war that destroyed the Jedi, gave rise to the Empire and ultimately ended her own life. She had great intentions, but the end of the incomparable Natalie Portman was hard to stomach since it came at the hands of the person she loved.
Aldridge’s departure represents those life-choking hands in our Rip City metaphor, and though the Blazers are within reach of a playoff spot at the moment, no one is mistaking their pulse for being anything but faint.
Next: Sacramento Kings
Sacramento Kings: Sebulba
Sebulba is probably too skilled a character to be likened to the Sacramento Kings, who haven’t been to the NBA playoffs in nearly 10 years, but we’re going to run with it because they’re both entities of ill repute who lose every time we see them compete on the screen!
Ok, I’m sorry Kings fans, I know you’ve suffered enough. Plus, your team is actually 10-15, only one game out of a playoff spot at the moment. But like Sebulba, Sacramento’s front office is too quick to lose its cool head and resort to drastic measures in order to try and win — which pretty much never works out.
Sebulba sabotages other drivers’ pod racers; Sacramento’s front office trades away draft picks after only a year. Sebulba hurls insults at slaves; Rajon Rondo hurls homophobic insults at officials. Sebulba talks a lot of trash and never backs down from a fight; have you met my friend DeMarcus Cousins?
Full disclaimer: I love Boogie and will defend him to the death. But even the most avid Kings supporter cannot deny the similarities between Sebulba and the Kings, all of which revolve around brashness, sliminess and ultimately, self-destruction.
Next: San Antonio Spurs
San Antonio Spurs: The Emperor
There were a lot of appropriate options here. Yoda would have worked because they’re both so powerful and they’ve been that way for what feels like 400 years. Darth Vader would have worked because they’re still the NBA’s boogeyman. Obi-Wan Kenobi would have worked because they’re everything that’s right with basketball.
But ultimately, the San Antonio Spurs are definitely Emperor Palpatine — they may look older than the Force itself, but they’ve been successfully scheming for far too long to let these young whippersnappers amount to anything other than lightning target practice.
Tim Duncan has found his new apprentice in Kawhi Leonard and the Spurs continue to zap their opponents with powerful volts of well-spaced offense and stifling defense.
Even better, with the Warriors being Yoda earlier in this feature, everyone’s waiting with bated breath for a Western Conference Finals showdown between the two that might even be more awesome than the Yoda-Palpatine battle royale from Episode III.
“The Spurs are boring” is no longer an accurate complaint, but people view them as evil all the same. Still, the Spurs’ ideals will live on long after they’re gone (kind of like the Emperor ultimately inspiring this new threat in Episode VII) and speaking to a larger point: the Force always needs to be balanced. What is good without that necessary evil?
Next: Toronto Raptors
Toronto Raptors: Hoth
For starters, “We The North” can be a pretty cold place. Hoth is so cold that if Han Solo hadn’t turned his tauntaun’s stomach into McDonald’s hash browns, Luke Skywalker would have died. But again, we’re aiming for something better than weather comparisons and ways to ruin your breakfast.
When you think about Hoth, you think about the Battle of Hoth, one of the most iconic battles in the entire Star Wars saga. There were AT-ATs, ion cannons, Luke finally putting his damn lightsaber to good use and those awesome tow cables the Hoth speeders used to bring down those gigantic robotic giraffes.
For the Toronto Raptors, they’ve had some entertaining playoff battles as well. But as the Rebel Alliance experienced in Episode V, the Raptors have been on the losing end of those battles over the last two years, failing to capitalize on promising regular season campaigns and ultimately tasting the bitterness of defeat.
The question is, with the Raptors off to such a strong start again in 2015-16, can they move past the Hoth stage of defeat as a franchise and fast forward to the part where they blow up the next Death Star?
Next: Utah Jazz
Utah Jazz: Ki-Adi-Mundi
Ki-Adi-Mundi is on the Jedi council, so obviously he’s likable. He’s wise, he got a chance to show off what he could do in the Battle of Geonosis, and his betrayal during the execution of Order 66 was legitimately one of the saddest moments in the entire Star Wars saga.
So how does he relate to the Utah Jazz? Well, like the Jazz, Ki-Adi-Mundi has one defining trait that sets him apart: his big-ass forehead. Well, not really a forehead, or even a conehead for that matter, it’s more like a mountain that decided to grow from the depths of his brain. In any case, that is his defining trait and without it, where would he be?
For the Jazz, defense is their defining trait, and when you take it away, they’re just another nameless, random Jedi that got blasted to death down on Geonosis. This is particularly relevant with Rudy Gobert out injured, since Utah’s once top-five defense has plummeted to dead last in the league in defensive rating in the last eight games. Oh and by the way, the Jazz are 2-6 in that span.
Utah without Gobert is like Ki-Adi-Mundi without his six foot dome: completely forgettable.
Next: Washington Wizards
Washington Wizards: Kit Fisto
Remember Kit Fisto? The green-skinned Jedi Knight with tentacles protruding from his brain like dreads? The one who endeared himself to the super nerdy fans that learned all those Jedi names after he Force-pushed C-3PO’s Battle Droid mix to the ground and had a few other cool moments during the Battle of Geonosis?
Well, the Washington Wizards had a similar thing going on in the hearts of NBA fans over the last few years with a pair of appearances in the Eastern Conference semifinals. If they hadn’t been banged up last year, they might have even beaten the Hawks and met the Cavs in the conference finals.
But based on what we’ve seen from the 10-14 Wizards so far in 2015-16, their early demise has been even lamer than Kit Fisto’s death about 4.5 seconds into a fight with Darth Sidious.
I mean, seriously? It was already lame enough that there were FOUR FREAKING JEDI against one Sith Lord. It was already lame enough the first two went down after Sidious COMPLETELY, 100 PERCENT TELEGRAPHED HIS LUNGES OF A WEAPON WITH THE POWER TO BURN THROUGH FLESH AND BONE.
But to become a fan favorite, survive the first couple seconds against this deadly adversary and be the only aid that Mace Windu has left against the freaking Lord of the Sith and then go out like a complete bitch? YOU’RE THE REASON MACE WINDU GOT ZAPPED AND TOSSED FROM A 700-STORY WINDOW, KIT!
Sorry, had to get that off my chest. Getting back to the Wizards, it’s far too early to declare them dead just yet. But as Kit Fisto would tell you — if his carcass wasn’t rotting in Chancellor Palpatine’s office somewhere, that is — it doesn’t take much time to go down, especially if you’re barely even swinging.
Next: NBA Power Rankings: Week 8
So there you have it! Every NBA team and their Star Wars counterpart. Now that we’ve all completely nerded out, did I get it right? Did I irreparably offend your favorite team or Star Wars character? Let me know what I got right and wrong in the comments below or on Twitter!